Friday, 25 March 2011

The Automatic Bestseller Machine

OK, so you want to write a book (well, really you want to have a book published and have it made into a film and sit in coffee shops with a posh notebook and be on telly and have people listen to your opinions on things you know very little about and be given awards, and you've realised that to be published you'll need to write something). Fair enough.

Obviously a bestseller (of the Richard-and-Judy-and-featured-in-WH-Smith's-window type) needs a bestselling title. After all, what's the point of spending ages writing something if it's not going to sell a shedload and net you a six-figure advance.

Where to find such a title though? Easy - pick a number from 1-50 then pick another from 1-15. OK, you say - 15 and 10.

Your novel is called The Costermonger's Whore (now get writing). Next!

Let me explain how this works - every single bestseller of the last 25 years, without exception (well, there are a couple...), has had a title made up of a profession or activity (generally presumed to be male) followed by a (generally female) relationship to that person.

So, pick a profession, pick a relationship and send me 10% of your royalties in a jiffy bag.


1 Acrobat's 1 Aunt
2 Actuary's 2 Child
3 Advocate's 3 Daughter
4 Archbishop's 4 Grandmother
5 Architect's 5 Herbalist
6 Astrologer's 6 Mistress
7 Astronaut's 7 Mother
8 Attorney's 8 Nanny
9 Barrow Boy's 9 Physician
10 Blacksmith's 10 Step-child
11 Captain's 11 Seamstress
12 Chocolatier's 12 Step-Mother
13 Choirmaster's 13 Twin
14 Composer's 14 Whore
15 Costermonger's 15 Wife
16 Courtesan's
17 Devil's
18 Draughtsman's
19 Farrier's
20 Gardener's
21 Goalkeeper's
22 Haberdasher's
23 Harpoonist's
24 Herbalist's
25 Historian's
26 Industrialist's
27 Interpreter's
28 Journeyman's
29 Librarian's
30 Mapmaker's
31 Midshipman's
32 Novelist's
33 Obstetrician's
34 Organist's
35 Pharmacist's
36 Physician's
37 Pilot's
38 Politician's
39 Psychic's
40 Seamstress's
41 Senator's
42 Soothsayer's
43 Surgeon's
44 Surveyor's
45 Tinsmith's
46 Undertaker's
47 Victualler's
48 Volcanologist's
49 Wheelwright's
50 Zookeeper's

1 comment:

  1. Whoa! Not sure that I'm 100% convinced on your theory yet, but I'm going to research this now that you've put the idea into my head. Also, I really like the expression 'shedload'--LOL. That has got to be a british thing because in the USA we're accustomed to hearing something not so nice also a four-letter 's' word before the word 'load'. Ick. Okay...anyway, thanks for following me on Twitter and I'm excited for you to let me know what you think about my blog on here. ;) Cheers!